Okay, I finally have the courage to speak on this. I am going to start off by saying this post is going to be long, BUT you have to read the whole thing to understand why I posted this. NO I am not posting this for attention, I am posting this to hopefully show someone that they CAN make it through whatever situation they are in and there is hope that everything DOES get better. With that said here you go:
Okay So I struggled with something NO one, I repeat No one knew about. Ever since I hit about…14 years old up until about 19, suicide used to cross my mind every once in a while. I always thought I was never going to be good enough for anyone or at anything, in general. I also felt alone, NO matter how many friends I had, or family members were around me, I felt alone…I felt like NO one understood this gut wrenching feeling I always had. Someone ALWAYS had something negative to say about me NO matter HOW good I was doing in school, work, or anything for that matter. And because of one Immediate family member (I’m not saying who for personal reasons.) Who hit me and bruised me repeatedly, called me really rude names, told me I was fat when I was 11 years old, and PLENTY more negative things. All of this made me feel like I could never be unconditionally loved by anyone because of those actions. The reason I felt this way was because if THAT particular family member didn’t make me feel loved, or appreciated, then what was my purpose? So I prayed. I prayed for God to put SOMEONE in my life to make me feel like I had a purpose.
I went through my senior year STRUGGLING with my internal problems I could not shake, all of this BEFORE the high school drama started. I would sit and cry in my room every night. I could be so happy in school, at work, and be social and hide it. I never wanted anyone to see what an emotional rollercoaster I was. I never cut myself, or did anything drastic for attention…I just kept it to myself. NOT EVERYONE SHOWS SIGNS.
HOWEVER there are a handful of friends who were there just to hear me vent about day to day drama who honestly helped me, and they don’t even know who they are. Because honestly having “normal” high school drama, ISN’T normal high school drama to someone who already has internal wounds, HOM,E drama and things to work out. So to everyone who thinks it’s funny to say hurtful things, I didn’t show ANY of you that it phased me, because I prayed.
All I kept saying to myself every time I even thought about suicide, that tomorrow will be a better day. Sometimes that was the case, sometimes not. BUT like I said, I prayed. I was so depressed about where I was and who I was… I was drinking by myself every single night when I lived in my grandmothers house. I thought Alcohol would solve my problems and they did for a moment, but the next day the internal struggle was still there.
I have never opened up to Sean about this at all, me and him have fought, cursed each other out, been at each others throats, ect…but HE HAS never made me feel unwanted. Even when we separated…he still wanted me….we had our problems and we worked it out…NO ONE HAS EVER WORKED SO HARD FOR ME AND WITH ME. God made Sean and I cross paths for a reason. I haven’t thought about suicide at all, since the day I MET HIM. He doesn’t just acknowledge when I do something wrong, but he also tells me when I do something right. He APPRECIATES WHO I AM for me, and he encourages me no matter what I do, even when I fail, he tells me to keep going. HE DOESN’T TRY TO CHANGE ME, instead he changes with me…
I just want someone who is reading this, if they have ever thought about suicide, it does get better, no matter how bad it might be at that moment. God does LISTEN, you might not get exactly what you want, or when you want it….But God will give you what you NEED WHEN YOU NEED IT. My struggle isn’t going to be the same as someone else’s….everyone’s story, life, situation is different, some may not seem extreme to others, some may seem more extreme. BUT you will never know exactly how someone feels. All I am going to say if It took God Five years to place what I need in my life to make me see what MY purpose here is….he is doing it for you too…just wait a little longer and you will see.